The Longing to Seclude Oneself

Getting snowed in--though admittedly purposefully-- in a small, creekside, tree-canopied cottage, and getting to live out the most refreshing series of days in remembrance, will give one pause to ponder why being alone feels so good. [It's worth noting here that I'm not truly alone, being a married woman, though in time we have worked out how to be two existing solitudes when we wish, so I'll go on to refer to being alone as such.] Not just alone, but removed. There is a difference, since one can be "alone" in their apartment in a city. But to be alone and removed, outside the sphere even of mental influence of other minds for days on end, no longer feeling as a character on the anxious stage of the ever-unfolding human drama. 

I've loved, been accustomed to, solitude for most of my life- growing up as an only child who spent a great deal of her time alone in a blue-carpeted, blue-walled bedroom listening to Tool and watching the ceiling fan rotate to pass the afternoon, or gallivanting around the countryside hills and corn fields an entire Saturday, fixating on shapes of rocks and how red clay straight from the ground could be molded into bricks. This later morphed into seeking to live in far out, rural and secluded places, which finally took form early in my 20's and has continued since, now reaching a pinnacle of residing in a county twice the size of Rhode Island with not a single traffic light, in the rugged mountains of America's Inland Northwest, with only 3 people per square mile. Were it not for my family ties, I would go farther.

There is something very sacred in living one's life quietly, without calling attention, without being so easily accessible, and likewise unable to access the lives of others. In withdrawing, being alone, out away from the noise of human maneuverings, I find a connection with the transcendent, that is, with God and higher experiences, to be more easily within reach, more consistent, nearly tangible. One can fall into this current without any thought of being interrupted and, oh, the "places" that can be reached! The shedding of the vanity of daily life can be felt as a deep cleanse and purification. 

"The urge to withdraw has always been stronger in me than the urge to take part in the world in any way. People would often come, with what I deemed, vulgar and profane suggestions, that seemed not to address the core sentiment behind the urge to withdraw - and that is the sentiment that everything is vanity. Children, jobs, marriage, lovers - all a noise, a comfortable attachment to help one pass through existence." - Orphic Inscendence, Urge to Withdraw

 

In this life of mine, at this stage of it, I certainly don't feel bored, but I do feel a sense of... as Naida puts it, being aged. 

"I felt aged - like I've already seen it all, had hundreds of children and husbands and wives, like I've been a criminal, a priest, a queen, a prostitute, and there was nothing left for me to be anymore. All the roles seemed too familiar and already explored and lived. It wasn't nihilism that was behind the urge to withdraw - it was inability to see any evidence of my belief that there had to be more to life than dying with a stomach more full than you started with." - Orphic Inscendence, Urge to Withdraw

This feeling of familiarity, of having done it all already, reduces many of the human concerns and dramas into mediocrities, cultivating an indifference to participation. Feeling simply uninterested in it all, what is one to do but to retire to their own devices, far away, and to devote their life to that upward path, which is to God. Though I can't help feeling I've done that before too, still it feels right.

Agafia Lykov's existence is one I've long found inspiration in. Her family were one of many Old Believers who fled Russia in 1936, believing their religion to be under attack. They trekked deep into the wilds of Siberia, and this is where Agafia was born, in a hollowed out pine washtub. The family of six spent over forty years in isolation until they were discovered by a team of geologists in 1978, though at that point only a family of five as the mother, Akulina, had perished from starvation in 1961, sacrificing herself so the children might live. (You can learn more about this story as I did in the book Lost in the Taiga.) To this day, Agafia resides alone in the taiga, now age 77. All her life is an ascetic feat. 

The 2012 Austrian-German film The Wall (or- Die Wand) gives me pause for thought. In it, a woman visits friends at a hunting lodge in the Austrian Alps. Later, as her friends head into a nearby village leaving her alone with the dog, she soon finds that she's been cut off from the rest of the world by an invisible wall. Years of hardship, depression, and despair portray seclusion as a terror, but is her experience closer to the marrow of what this life is for? Certainly the comforts and social expectations of daily life were removed, but must this be so jarring? Is there not an opportunity there? Surely there is, and we catch glimpses of this throughout the film, such as in her second summer when she writes that her "newer self" seemed to be getting "absorbed into a greater whole."

But what I observe in life is that most people are not interested in solitude or silence or going inward much at all. I think this is because there is a noise to life- both external and internal, which we are very accustomed to hearing, and when those sounds dim, the void brings an anxiety. So solitude and asceticism go hand in hand, much like someone in a mode of crisis should not be told to meditate- the state of their mind at current is not a healthy place to linger. Maybe to enjoy solitude and to yearn for a far away natural setting as the canvas for ones life, certain preparations must first be made, of an internal kind. 

If we believe in the transmigration of souls, then it also follows that not every soul is ready for this approach to life, or is even in need of it yet. With this in mind, it's unrealistic for us to expect others to understand our longings for this worldly detachment and unconcern and for wanting to be far away, just as we cannot exist for long in their chosen environments without fatigue and dullness setting in. 

"Constant and unalloyed devotion to Me; aspiring to live in a solitary place; detachment from the general mass of people; … [ – all these I declare to be knowledge]." -- Bhagavad Gita, 13.11

 

In order for our inner territory to be interesting, introspective practices should be performed regularly- reading, seeking wisdom, yoga, meditation, writing, contemplation, and prayer, to name a few. And if you are reading this and feel similarly but have yet to make sense of it, might I suggest one place to begin is in watching this series, and taking time to reflect on the teachings therein, which might help you understand why you feel the way you do, longing to seclude from the world. There are good reasons for feeling this way, especially here in the Kali yuga.

Philosophical principles to live one's life by

1.) Discernment     2.) Prayer    3.) Intrinsic morality     4.) Conducting oneself and one's life beautifully

"Discernment between the Absolute and the relative-- Atma and Maya. Reality and illusion and so on. And then prayer. Because if you believe, if you understand what is Essential and what is Absolute, you want to assimilate it. Otherwise one is a hypocrite. And in order to assimilate the truth of the Absolute, you must pray. There are three kinds of prayer: First, canonical prayer. In Christianity, it's the Lord's Prayer. And then, free personal prayer, like the Psalms in the Bible. David's Psalms, is personal prayer. Talk to God. And third is prayer of the heart. Essential prayer, which is an act of contemplation in the innermost Self. And this is esoterism. And I'm interested in this, and I say to people, "You must pray. Always pray." You must have at least one canonical prayer every day, and then you must talk to God. But you must always pray like St. Paul said in an Epistle, always pray. And this is prayer of the heart. And the Eastern church knows this practice very well -- the Jesus prayer. Japa yoga in Hinduism. This is the second thing. And the third thing is intrinsic morality. Beauty of the soul. Nobility. Humility, which means objectivity towards oneself/ Charity, which is objectivity towards the neighbor. Domination of oneself. Generosity, this is the beauty of the soul. This is intrinsic morality. And then, the fourth dimension is beauty of forms, of surroundings, of dress, of comportment. That's all."

The spirit of the American West

This painters command of light feels so true to those Western evenings I've grown to know so well. Long live the American West, that rugged spirit, that real sense of freedom.

Quit social media?

 I am feeling that old familiar pull to leave social media again, well, specifically Instagram and Facebook. The only hesitation for me is that I do come across a lot of inspiring and informative content on both platforms. But overall, it's a concern over what these types of social media do to the physical and metaphysical aspects of the brain/heart/mind. It has perplexed me to see various people who don't "post" often on social media still logging on constantly, just to look around I suppose. So I don't believe that how much we post has any correlation to how much of our time and attention these social media platforms can command. Couldn't that time be better used elsewhere, even if only in the realm of thought?

While I appreciate the convenience of having so many friends and family members in one place, especially since I live so far away from everyone, there is a large part of me that doesn't like the accessibility we so readily attach to ourselves these days through various technology. I'm also interested in checking in with myself about the kind of content I share. Is it to charm? To inform? For identity? 

This blog is my favorite place because I can be more fully myself- sharing interests and thoughts, and I suppose I could share more of the inspiring or beautiful aspects of daily life, as well.

Something to chew on a bit more.

Come with me for a stroll through an old Victorian village on the sea

 

Currently reading

 

I think I found Kincaid's Cave...

 ...but have run into Google Maps trickery.

In this video, an account from a contracted explorer for the Smithsonian Institute in 1909 tells a fascinating tale of what he found in a cave deep within the Grand Canyon, high on the banks (well, cliffsides) of the Colorado River:

G.E. Kincaid wrote:

So not only did this man find Egyptian artifacts, hieroglyphs, and mummies, but he also notes there were Vedic artifacts, such as a Buddha-like statue and lotus symbolism. 

The implications of this are large, if you study ancient history and have considered the blue-eyed Egyptian and Vedic society relationship, which is far too dense to go into here.

Anyway- I wanted to know where this "Kincaid's cave" is located, so I went on a little hunt. Judging by certain accounts of mile markers, directions of currents, and descriptions of landscape, I think I've honed in on the general area, within 5 miles at least of where this mythical cave opening could be found. Of course, it's almost impossible to get to, and exists in an area of the Grand Canyon where no visitors are allowed, apparently not even park officials--ya don't say!?--not to mention, it's bordered or even within Navajo territory.

But, as for where it is:

Head over to Google Maps and search for "Nankoweap Granaries" (North Rim, Arizona). Scroll down (southward) along the Colorado River there until you see the LCR Confluence Overlook on the right of the river.

Just north of that overlook, you'll notice that a strange artificial looking line seems to have been overlain on the aerial image, almost as if the true landscape is being covered or hidden from view by a similar, but false, image. 

I thought that was a little... odd.

The line just so happens to fall right around the area I estimate Kincaid's Cave is located, to the right, or eastern, side of the Colorado River there. 

Did you know that most of the monuments in the Grand Canyon have Egyptian names? Interesting, yes? Watch this video for more fun facts.

On Tiffany Mountain

On top of my mountain, at 8,254 feet. 

Truly

 

Keep building those inner fortresses

"What we achieve inwardly, will change outer reality." -- Plutarch


Yes, exactly. One person looks around and sees a pit of despair, of boredom, restlessness, and disgust, while the other touches transcendence and senses God in the simple movement of wind across their face, or light bouncing around the ground, though they both stand in the very same place.

Discerning between maya and atman (or- how I don't let much bother me)

When it comes to surfing the joys and tragedies of life, I have learned one very good parameter which has helped me numerous times not make a big thing out of something that is, to most, quite unfortunate. This is asking myself: who is suffering here? my lower self or my higher self? who is the reactor? 
Let me define what I mean by lower and higher self. The lower self is Tiffany, this material human form, incarnated here for specific purposes and goals. This is also called Maya, which means illusion. This self is finite, temporary, it will not always be, so it's important not to get too wrapped up in or identified with it's dramas and shenanigans. Then, there is the higher self. The blessed soul, or Atman, inside each of us. This is immaterial, eternal, infinite. My firm knowing, as I continue to practice Sanatana Dharma (not to be confused with modern Hinduism), is that this eternal higher self is truly me. I carry it with me into each incarnation, or- more accurately- it carries me. And it is that, in conjunction with my relationship and devotion to God, that matters more than any of the Maya-filters I can so easily fall prey to viewing life through.