A time of purification is needed to prepare and cleanse the vessel of impurities, otherwise results could be catastrophic when attempting separation and subsequent stages.
The purifying is inward, which informs the outer, and involves ridding the personality of impure Sulphuric elements. Eventually, the vessel should be free from animosity, irritability, fearfulness, fiery passion, able to easily dissolve the I/not I duality as needed, unmoved by failure or success...
So the essence of it all seems to be getting oneself accustomed to that constant remembrance of and connection to the soul or one's higher nature. All those moments when the ego wants to retaliate, pose itself against, prove something, win... or inwardly when it feels resentment, fear, worry... all of this sort of thing has to be guarded against and entirely new ways of being and thinking and feeling should be established.
I imagine, for myself, this stage to take many more years. Were I alone in a truly ascetic life, probably much less, but... that is not the case. Besides, I think brushing up against challenges is more strengthening anyway; figuring out how to purify despite the vulgarity surrounding us.
Some advantages I already have due to years of self-work are:
- that I don't feel envy or jealousy (this one didn't take work but seemed to come naturally)
- I already pray for those who hurt me so I'm accustomed to not carrying resentment
- I've developed a deep well of inner fulfillment despite when/if external circumstances are going poorly, I can return to and count on this interior place
- not a lot scares me, in the physical world, though I'm certainly not without my own fears (this has taken a lot of work as I used to be chock-full of worry and fear, which tells me I could probably easily fall back into that if new fear experiences were introduced)
- I don't have much of a generative desire, which I've embraced
- I don't have corrupt desires- inwardly I truly wish the best for others, my thoughts are usually on things like you might read on this blog, my desires are moreso around a desire for a second cup of hot cocoa, a desire to be alone, a desire for truth and sincerity in myself and those around me, when it comes to finances I do desire to maintain financial stability but my needs are minimum and I hope to keep it that way, I desire health of body and mind... so yes, I am full of desires, but they aren't dark do you know what I mean? Thank God. And balance is crucial to me, so even if I do go get a second cup of hot cocoa, I wouldn't do it the next night too. And if I find my happiness is resting on something like a certain house or salary or outcome, I try to hone in on that and remind myself not to be attached, it's almost like going inside myself and sowing little seeds of detachment where I find something that could destroy me if lost or doesn't go to plan. So I have this good watchdog inside, always roaming the perimeters...
Probably my aversions will be the most difficult thing to remove now that I think of it. I don't like what I don't like and I love to be in control of my time. I'm probably very comfortable in life--even though my lifestyle would be quite uncomfortable to many I think!--I have my routines and things I like to spend my time doing, and am averse to those being disrupted. In fact, I can get scattered quickly upon leaving my routines and lifestyle, for example- when I travel or spend time in others homes. It doesn't take long before I no longer feel like myself, which leads to irritation. So I need to be more watchful for maintaining that center of groundedness when I'm removed from my life and routine. It's probably most difficult because when I exit my routines, I no longer get to really talk or think about what matters to me. I have maybe one or two people in my life who I can discuss the deeper things I care about with, these cornerstones of my identity, with most it is surface level things we have to find in common to discuss, which I can do and am good at doing but it exhausts me quickly and detaches me from who I really am. This is probably why I prefer to be alone (though not entirely because I do rely a great deal on books and the Internet for these investigative voyages into all the questions I have!). That's another one! I am very desirous of learning. I suppose I've always been this way- but in the past it was more simple things like perhaps I'd research how to grow vegetables, or how to heal naturally a health ailment, or how to invest in real estate and I'd delve into these topics for days, weeks, months on end to really hash out every little detail. Now it is more an insatiable desire to know Truth, and God, and origins, and devotion, alchemy, what I need to do, how I need to be, but try searching Google for 'how to make my soul immortal"... ha! So you have to dig. The old wisdom is so hard to find. I might spend a whole year focusing on one big question, listening to discussions on YouTube, reading books, finding obscure blog articles, talking to people who know more than me on the topic... and I end up with a list of more questions and no answer. I don't know why I have this nature in me or how it came to be... but I don't let myself push it away anymore because it's me, and I feel it's my responsibility to my soul to fully express as who I am, and not be cajoled into a form that others are more comfortable with me being.
This has turned into a stream of consciousness, but I'm going to leave it. It's shone a light on the areas of attachment and desire that I need to work on as I move through this phase of purification, in preparation.
It's also worth mentioning that I'm not in a truly ascetic life, as I'm a woman and married. I'm not sure if I can truly purify so long as I'm in a sexual relationship with my husband, but this is a question for me because that sexual energy can be used and not wasted, which I already practice a great deal, without disrupting my husbands satisfaction and needs. This is where deeper wisdom on how to concentrate that energy and move it around the vessel using it for higher goals of ascending comes into play. This is something I've been doing more and more of, conjuring the energy, though I know very little on what to do with it right now, so I just gather and bring it to my navel or behind my forehead for now. No doubt I'll write a post on this topic in the future as I learn and practice more.
Alright, there was even more stream of consciousness! I've got to get back to work now :)
p.s. I think when preparing oneself to be more immune to dealing with the things they're averse to, exposing yourself to discomfort is a good tool- cold showers, cold exposure, sauna, fasting, hard work, and meditation to have a handle on any reactive tendencies, etc. And just using daily life as a practice tool, making less and less a deal of our aversions, brushing up against them with a grin instead, and maybe eventually dissolving altogether, or at least not being too affected by.
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| David Teniers the Younger, The Alchemist, oil on panel, 1643 |
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