The bone and marrow of winter

"I turn round and round irresolute sometimes for a quarter of an hour, until I decide, for the thousandth time, that I will walk into the southwest or west. Eastward I go only by force, but westward I go free. Thither no business leads me. It is hard for me to believe that I shall find fair landscapes or sufficient wildness and freedom behind the eastern horizon. I am not excited by the prospect of a walk thither; but I believe that the forest which I see in the western horizon stretches uninterruptedly toward the setting sun, and there are no towns or cities in it of enough consequence to disturb me. Let me live where I will, on this side is the city, on that the wilderness, and ever I am leaving the city more and more and withdrawing into the wilderness. I should not lay so much stress on this fact if I did not believe that something like this is the prevailing tendency of my countrymen. I must walk toward Oregon and not toward Europe."

- Thoreau Looks to the West, August 1958

I am slowly settling back in to the snow-dusted little home in the mountains that is our own, after having been away, eastward, visiting family for the last three months. Far, far too long to be gone from one's life. For all of the love that gets to be shared during that time, it is still just too much, and we have made the firm decision that from now on, winters will be different, with less time spent away, a focus on quality and not quantity of days.

I'll be frank and say: it was a difficult winter. It's not an exaggeration even to say I went through a small dark night of the soul while in Kentucky this year. But for all its struggle, I can't say I would change a thing because I believe some very important pearls were plucked from it all that I'll now have the rest of my days. 

To condense such multi-faceted experience into a single nutshell isn't easy, but I'll simply say that I entered a personal season of mysterious physical struggle on multiple levels, about one week after arriving in Kentucky, with strange and acute attacks of symptoms I had never experienced before. I'm aware that there is something deep and psychological in me that causes illness every time we return to Kentucky for the winter--where we stay with family and spend a lot of time apart--but despite feeling stronger upon arrival this visit, the symptoms were new and more intense than previous years. Weeks passed, I researched, observed, and took care of myself the best I knew how.

Clinging to each other as home, while enduring a too-long time back east.

Finally, I decided to embark on the GAPS intro diet, strictly, to a tee, the only way it can effectively work and heal in a deep and foundational way. I began this on December 20th, in earnest. The first couple of weeks were incredibly hard as my system adapted to such a change in diet. Not having my creamy hot beverages anymore was really challenging--it felt like I didn't have anything to look forward to throughout the day! truly eye-opening--and I experienced a big drop in dopamine as my body learned how to produce its own rather than rely on periodical snacks to uplift me. But after week 2, roughly, I emerged like a phoenix, no more strange symptoms, feeling so clean, light, strong, free from cravings, unattached. It was an interesting experience of freedom in a way I had never considered before. I started this diet in order to heal my gut, which the diet teaches is the root of any other illness, and ended up enlightening many other areas of my heart and mind along the way. 

But all of my spiritual study and experiences make me certain that illness is not all physical, maybe not even physical at all in origin, but rather informed by a beyond-physical event or thought, of the present or past, conscious or sub-conscious. So, while the diet was working and making me feel so good, and while it did feel important and right, I knew there was more to it all. 

So I kept digging- observing, searching, and researching.

And, as fate would have it, came upon something altogether paradigm-shifting. 

This new paradigm, I'm still amidst learning about and properly understanding, only a couple of months into the journey, but I'll go ahead and mention it here because I think it could be vital to understand. 

It is called German New Medicine. Now, to try to figure out how to sum it up might be difficult, but I will try: German New Medicine takes a completely different approach to what we call "disease" and posits that symptoms are usually a healing phase of the body, or at least an attempt at healing, and that the symptoms are simply a natural biological response to a perceived shock or stress. If we treat the symptoms with medications and surgeries, we don't allow the healing phase to play out and we create what is called a hanging healing which results in ongoing symptoms and what we would then refer to as a chronic condition.

Brain scans are used to spot lesions that correspond to specific areas of the body. But in order to experience complete healing, you do have to be able to hone in on the "original conflict" that triggers symptoms in you now (and this could be all the way from an argument that happened last year to an event from your childhood). German New Medicine can be applied across the spectrum, from something seemingly as benign as itching or a dust allergy or headaches to serious conditions like terminal cancers where one is given three months to live and told to go home and enjoy their days. It is utterly fascinating how it all works, so I wish I was able to explain in more detail, but if you feel drawn to it, I'll leave a list of the resources I've moved through on my path thus far:

1. I started by reading this book
2. Simultaneously I listened to videos and interviews with Dr. Melissa Sell (her website, and her YouTube channel)
3. Next, I began reading the incredible articles on learninggnm.com and getting more familiar with conflicts and related symptoms - here is a good article to begin with on that site
4. Then, I treated this video by Ilsedora Laker as a class where I watched, listened, took notes, and made a real study out of it
5. And now I have joined a bi-weekly GNM "healing group" by Dr. Katherine Willow of Carp Ridge Wellness Centre in rural Ottawa, Canada

So now I am slowly implementing German New Medicine principles into thinking about my experiences of symptoms and seeing everything in a wholly different light. Nutrition is still important according to GNM, because it strengthens and helps us to better endure perceived shocks and stresses, so I'm now practicing a full GAPS diet 90% of the time (giving myself a little leeway on the weekends or when out gallivanting) in conjunction with GNM and am feeling balanced, healthy, and steady, in a more rounded and polished and complete way than ever before. 

I see illness not as something to be feared, but as a messenger saying it's time to return to core principles of our nature. And I believe if we do this on all levels, in earnest, we regenerate.

Lots of meat stocks and soups made with vegetables and meats- the meats focused on are to be all parts of the animal including parts containing fat and connective tissue, not just muscle which is primarily the only kind of meat we eat in Western culture.

Morning juice: juice of freshly pressed carrots, celery, beet, and green apple with a raw egg, a drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil and a sprinkle of sea salt.

Some words dreamt up while on a walk one afternoon at a park in Kentucky:

The way is not
to wear the years as weight
But as a lightening

Days of beauty,
days of horror
One's flaming fable flickers
Their tide rushing shoreward

Morning tea is made,
Spring soil tilled
Wood gotten in,
the dinner table sat

If dying is lifting,
let the days be an ascent
Birth- crashing, dense
And dying- a recollection, recommence

Diamond Caverns

Diamond Caverns

.::*::.

Now we are back- back home, in what I am convinced is the most sacred part of this vast country- the high, dry Rocky Mountain regions, whether the southwestern ones or way up here in the inland northwestern mountains and highlands. There's just no better place than this infinite landscape, this penetrating serenity.

Here there is space, there is natural beauty and endless treasure troves of inspiration, poetry is ever on the wind for the honed observer, and the land is not so peopled and sickly as the one I've been inhabiting the past few months.  

I love my family so dearly, and my friends, sometimes I even enjoy the marketplace (rock climbing gyms! thrift stores! healthy grocery stores!), but my mind changes altogether after I've been away for two weeks, then one month in I can no longer feel how it feels to be someone who lives here, where I do, and where I sit now again, thank God. The sounds of traffic, the low buzz of powerlines, the television frequencies, the bad air, the bad water, the coughing masses, the jaded and distracted expressions, the constant chatter... it wears on me and eventually I feel I lose something that is vitally me. And I miss it so very badly when I feel it leave. Like a little spirit, or essence, I can feel it detach a little each day, then eventually flutter away, leaving me thinner than before... and I don't truly get it back until I've been home again for a few weeks.

But I am here now, home, in the great American West, with my love, and our simple wholesome life. There have been things to tend to right away since our return- a vehicle needing brand new tires and a refrigerator needing replaced (which required a slight bit of remodeling!), but we are just grateful to be back to a routine together, and to be held once again by this big land that feels like a living, breathing elder to us, full of teachings and nourishment, a living being who we revere and love.

About an hour after the photo below was taken, we ascended into a proper snow storm up in the Okanogan Highlands one recent night. I was scared at first, thinking we had really gotten ourselves into a mess--and was coping by singing Pentangle's "Will The Circle Be Unbroken" loudly as we crept down a steep canyon at 15 mph (I heard a chuckle from the driver seat at the line "Undertaker, please drive slow")--but finally was able to relax and enjoy the enchanted snowy drive through the wilderness the rest of the way home. 

I haven't yet showed you the knitting project I worked on this winter- a gift for my brother-in-law, modeled below by Eric. This is probably the most intricate thing I've ever knitted, and it took a lot of concentration and patience. From now on I plan to focus more on knitting patterns that challenge me because I really enjoyed the process and learned several new techniques along the way.

It is the Windy Scarf by Martin Storey.

I love it so much that I'll probably make myself and Eric one in the future, though in different colors. The Celtic-looking cabling pattern resonates on some deep old level for us.

On the flight back and since we've gotten settled in, I've been working on my first knit sweater. It's another pattern by Martin Storey (whose work I really gravitate toward) and it's to be a gift for my husband. Right now, I'm on the front side... and making my wobbly way along, trying to make sense of what are (to me) more complicated pattern instructions. We shall see how it goes.

Outside the snow is falling and in the distance a row of willow trees cuts a branched yellow line across the landscape like fireworks. It is mid-afternoon and I've just wrapped up my work day, sipping a hot mug of homemade meat stock now, and going to tend to a few little odds and ends around here before we go do our workout. As the days roll on and we continue to settle back in and find our rhythms, I'll be back here to share stories. Wishing you all a satisfied end of winter and a verdant blossoming of the heart until then.

x

Fabric Frequency

In 2003, Dr. Heidi Yellen conducted a study on the frequencies of fabric. According to this study, the average human body has a signature frequency of around 70-100hz, while those with chronic disease were 50hz and lower. A diseased, nearly dead, person has a frequency of around 15hz.

The study showed that if the number is lower than 100hz, it puts a strain on the body, and higher frequencies give energy to the body.

Far beyond all other fabrics, linen and wool were both 5,000hz! But if those two fabrics are mixed together, it was found that they cancel each other out completely resulting in a 0hz measurement. Even wearing a wool sweater on top of a linen outfit collapsed the electrical field. This brought measurable weakness and even pain in some tests. This is interesting to me because ancient spiritual texts prize linen, and mention that wool and linen should not be mixed. 

It was also found that black clothing discharged and extinguished one's electrical light field. 

Linen: 5,000hz

Wool: 5,000hz

Organic unbleached cotton: 100hz (considered "normal but not healing" fiber)

Standard bleached and colored cotton: ~ 40hz ("Plant fibers like cotton and hemp are not a healing fiber when measuring its signature energy output")

Polyester: 15hz

Rayon: 15hz

Silk: 10hz

Polyester, acrylic, spandex, lycra, viscose and nylon measure zero and do not reflect light

A quick note amidst the dawn of the migration

"Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death." 

- Arthur Schopenhauer, Counsels and Maxims

In our region of the Inland Northwest grows a tree with a secret. Though it masquerades all year as one of the conifers, come October its true deciduous nature is revealed. What looks like an evergreen forest becomes adorned with streaks of gold, and when the sun shines through and you happen to be passing by underneath, it can move you to tears. It is the real golden wood like Tolkien told us about, physical of course, yet creates a feeling beyond physical that is maybe even more palpable, a liminal story-world where conifers turn gold and lose their needles. Majestic and divine and awe-inspiring are all the right words, but they're not enough. Getting to experience it feels like a pure blessing. It is the Western Larch and it enriches our autumn days with its cheery gold paintbrush strokes across the landscape. A harbinger of the seasonal shift from light to dark, and the last bolt of color of the year, its yellowing lets us know that winters snows are right at the doorstep.

That is how the landscape looked when we drove through it waving our good-byes, then flew up over it early one morning when there was barely enough light to see, me with quiet tears moistening my cheeks, and love for a place putting an ache in my chest- surely one of the most interesting and deep relationships of my life.

Now I write from Kentucky, where I was met by the usual illness upon arrival, though fortunately it was short-lived this time as I'm in a healthier state overall this year (and adorned with my BioGeometry ring and pendant!). I'm starting to think that the sickness I experience coming to Kentucky each winter has to do with electrosensitivity. We already know I'm extremely sensitive by nature- my husband lovingly nicknamed me sensi-tiffany several years ago, and his canary, and it's true: if something is damaging, rest assured I will be the first to feel it and respond. While this used to feel like a burden, I now see it as a hidden blessing. And it seems the longer I live in the remote area that I do, the more stark the contrast when I suddenly throw myself back into the electrosmog that engulfs modern civilization. 

Alas! Here I am! In Kentucky, my hometown, visiting loved ones for a few months. 

During the days I'm usually working, studying, walking under the oaks, or helping family, but at night I've structured a lovely evening routine for myself. It involves: a 30-minute sauna session, a cold shower, some stretching, a mug of hot cacao (you can use the code TIFFANY98397 to get 15% off your order) and then hot herbal tea, some reading (right now I'm finishing up Richard Schulze's "There Are No Incurable Diseases" in preparation for a cleanse I plan to do soon), and knitting. This evening routine is balancing, nourishing, and crucial. 

In other good news, I've found a wonderful massage therapist here in my hometown and am enjoying a bi-weekly full-body massage for lymphatic drainage complete with hot stones and cupping. I feel fortunate to have connected with such a skilled masseuse, who is a true artist of her craft, a healer indeed.

Usually I help with an interior design project of some kind while I'm here and this year we've decided it's to turn an old unused bedroom into my mother's office for her Ebay store. I plan to create work stations and systems that will help her streamline some processes and be better organized in general. So I'll probably begin working on that soon.

I'm also hoping to start pulling back the carpet in the "new" addition part of the house that I stay in when I visit, with hopes to see nice hardwood underneath! We shall see. In my mind, I see this room turning into something like this, folky and rustic. But that might be a project for the next visit.

For whatever reason, I've been drawn to fictional literature lately instead of my usual non-fiction in the genres of health and esoteric spiritual topics. Driving back from the park this evening at dusk, I noticed the cold bluish LED lights shining from the windows and it turned my thoughts to older times when lantern light warmed the windows and blessed the village with a coziness. So I thought: to conjure this feeling while I'm here, and during this holiday time especially, I'm going to read some Victorian-era books. I already had Jane Eyre here, so I'll probably begin there (though when it comes to the Bronte sisters, I'm more drawn to Emily, as a person anyway, but who's to say who I'll like most as a writer?). And earlier this evening I was in the basement of the town library printing something very large, and as it printed I poked around and ended up making my way through the first few pages of Charles Dickens' Bleak House and really feeling drawn to his writing style and the voice of that era. So I have a copy of his "Great Expectations" on it's way to me in the mail, too. I wonder if anyone reading this has any Victorian-era book recommendations for me?

A short post this, but it's late and now I'm off to get into the aforementioned evening routine. Wishing anyone reading this health, grace, clarity, and peace of mind. 

x

In Nighthawk just a few weeks ago; sometimes when I'm away, like now, I stop and imagine it just as it might be right this minute... with the lonesome coyote howl, the scuttling sage grouse, the slow underground heartbeat of hibernating creatures, the quiet spacious bigness all around, the air so pregnant with freedom.

BioGeometry studies

I vaguely mentioned and introduced BioGeometry to you in my last post, and would now like to share some interesting and compelling experiments. 

My BioSignatures Pendant

Electro-smog: The Miracle of Hemberg

A pilot research project under the patronage of the Swiss Mediation Authority for Mobile Communication and Environment (MAMCE) in collaboration with leading government telecom provider Swisscom, implemented BioGeometry energy-quality balancing to remedy ailments of electro-sensitivity in the rural town of Hemberg. BioGeometry was successful in eliminating the ailments of electro-sensitivity, among a number of other health conditions that it remedied, as well as positively impacting the overall ecology of the area. Media coverage, supported by official releases by the MAMCE and an independent study of the project, dubbed the results "The Miracle of Hemberg." In a Swiss television interview with the Mayor and residents of Hemberg almost two years later (Sept. 2005), the sustained energy-quality balancing effect of BioGeometry was confirmed. 

--> watch a short video about the project here

Electro-smog: The Miracle of Hirschberg

Following the success of the first Swiss BioGeometry project in Hemberg, Dr. Karim was commissioned by the local government of the Swiss town of Hirschberg to implement a similar BioGeometry solution there. The project was documented by Swiss TV Channel 1, and the documentary aired on prime-time TV in Switzerland showing the overwhelming positive impact of BioGeometry energy-quality balancing on the health of residents and livestock in the area, which are an important economic factor to this rural town. 

Quality of Water

Dr. Masuro Emoto's pioneering research with water crystal photography captivated audiences all over the world when he published his findings in the international best seller "The Message From Water." His work gave the world a glimpse of the influence that the quality of energy and the environment has on water by photographing ice water crystals under different energy conditions. Water impregnated with good energy quality formed beautiful, well-balanced hexagonal water crystals, while water impregnated with bad energy quality produced badly formed and unbalanced crystals. Dr. Emoto's technology transforms energy quality into form and Dr. Karim's BioGeometry uses forms to balance energy-quality, and this led to a scientific synergy with amazing results. BioGeometry energy-quality balancing yielded beautiful perfectly structured and balanced water crystals. 70% of our world and our bodies are composed of water, and the energy-quality of that water is a mirror of the quality of our lives.

Animal Farming & Agriculture

BioGeometry increases growth & quality of poultry:

A research study carried out by Dr. A Hussein of Suez Canal University and the Ministry of Agriculture implemented BioGeometry energy-balancing solutions in chemical free poultry breeding. The published results showed that BioGeometry was effective in significantly increasing the growth and quality of the chicken as well as lowering the mortality rate. 

Apple orchards:

A three-year research project at the University of Wageningen, Holland by Professor Peter Mols on the use of BioGeometry in organic apple agriculture, concluded that BioGeometry was effective in eliminating certain parasites and significantly increasing agricultural yield.

Freshwater crops in salt:

A two-month experiment by the late Eng. Adel Ammar to test the possibility of using BioGeometry to allow freshwater plants (sweet potato) to grow in saltwater from the Red Sea showed astonishing results. The control potatoes that were given saltwater shriveled by the end of the day, while the BioGeometry treated salt water potatoes budded normally and stayed fresh longer than the sweet potatoes given fresh water.

Study shows: BioGeometry reduces harm from mobile phone radiation as shown by reduced thermal effect

Mobile phone networks operate at frequencies that are located in the region of the electromagnetic spectrum in both microwave radiation and radio frequency radiation levels. Exposure to such radiation through mobile phone usage has a harmful effect due to the absorption of electromagnetic energy by the skin and other living tissues, causing a small temperature rise in those areas.

Stress reduction in automobile environment:

There are increased environmental stress factors within a car, especially with regards to electromagnetic stress from the extensive electrical system inside the metal body of the car. Double blind experimentation showed that BioGeometry successfully reduced driver's psychological stress markers as seen using biofeedback measurements. This study was featured in TedxCairo Talks. 

Analysis of results: Brainwaves: Increase of Delta indicating relaxation and decrease in alpha/Beta indicating less excitation (decrease in eye movement and breathing frequency with increased oxygen saturation indicates less stress)

Energy-Quality Balancing of Airplane Environments:

BioGeometry energy-quality balancing solutions have been implemented on a number of private aircrafts to harmonize the increased level of environmental stress associated with flight. Environmental stressors include electromagnetic fields, cosmic radiation, chemicals, and psychological stress. Biofeedback measurements were conducted on the crew using the BioPulsar-Reflexograph biomedical measurement device, which is certified as a medical diagnostic device in Europe. The balance of electrical organ function inside the BioGeometry energy-balanced aircraft significantly surpassed those taken outside the aircraft under normal ground conditions.

BioGeometry Interior Architecture & ADHD:

"A Design Approach Using BioGeometry in Interior Architectural Spaces with References to Heal Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder," by Dina Ra'afat Abdul Rahman Howeid, a PhD thesis completed at the Cairo University, Faculty of Engineering shows a vast improvement in ADHD criteria tested, including: child focus & attention, communication, dynamic behavior, behavior, teamwork, independence, hyperness, social stages, and academic skills.

National Virus C Project Success:

Dr. Taha Khalifa, the Dean of the Pharmacology Department at Al-Azhar University, Egypt, publicly announced that the preliminary phase of the comparative National Virus C Project showed that BioGeometry energy-balancing obtained the best results among all other pharmaceutical and alternative remedies. BioGeometry achieved a 90% result in normalizing liver enzymes, compared to the other remedies, which only achieved results in the 20-30% range. In the case of medical drugs, some achieved around 50% but they could only be used for half the cases in the group who did not show low blood platelet counts.

_______________________________________________________________________________

If this research interested you, here's a good introductory video to learn more:

Ambergold transformations

"You ask of my companions. 

Hills, sir, and the sundown..."
- Emily Dickinson, in a letter to Mr. Higginson

It is the first of October and my world is an Ivan Shishkin painting and a Luke Gibson song, who I listened to yesterday while driving through these highlands, with their ambergold light and crisp changed air.

Autumn is the season most reflective of my inner world. And it seems to me the most Celtic-feeling season of the year, most reflective of an old world quality, most liminal. 

Winter is lovely too--in places where the snow is plentiful--but winter can feel skeletal. In Fall there is still meat on the bone, but more matured than summer, and much more inward than summer- the chatty extrovert.

Still being in the summer of my life, maybe that is why I rarely feel at home or situated in it; since Fall is the season that resonates so deeply, I suppose I have much to look forward to for that season of life yet to come. 

Earlier in the summer, I was in Spokane for the day poking around a great little antique shop I had found. Back in the corner was a treasure trove of old photos and magazines. I spent at least an hour sitting cross-legged in the back corner perusing all of these old photos and assembling a big stack to take home with me. The images were mostly anonymous and usually timeless, except for the random note some of them would have scribbled on the back (e.g. "Bert's first deer, Oct 1932" or "Deception Pass, 1935"). I'm not sure why this sort of thing feels so fascinating to me, but it does! So, with the inspiration of the magazine clippings (most from the old "American West" magazines) and the photos, I've been piecing together little... collages, I guess you would call them. I'm not sure. But here are the ones I made this morning:

And here is another one in the works, though I haven't glued the photos in place yet and I plan to add some stitching later on...

When it comes to art and the handmade, I've also been spending time each day slowly building a scarf. It's an intricate pattern which is challenging my knitting skills in new ways. Certainly no beginners scarf, it is the Windy Scarf by Martin Storey, and I plan to gift it as a Christmas present (if I can complete it correctly and in time!).

And of course I always have a strange embroidery piece going. I started embroidering many years ago and my embroideries tend to involve esoteric symbolism which seem to grow more peculiar the deeper I go. This time, it is Rebis- the Great Work, the ultimate balance, the realized Self though still contained and corporeal, the male-female, the solar and lunar, these principles and more, in an inner balance and order. Certainly inspired by my reading of Eros and the Mysteries of Love earlier this year, and still a work in progress.

I am a seeker, if nothing else. Devoted to my spiritual quest. I love to take experiential approaches to wisdom which I think is a superior form of knowing, but I also wholeheartedly enjoy the intellectual seeking as well, though I'm aware it isn't an end in itself. Sometimes the intellectual seeking will open doors in my mind, through which I can then walk my feeling body. I especially love when I learn things intellectually that resonate strongly with my intuition, which happened multiple times this summer whilst reading "The Mystery of the Grail" and finally coming to understand this grail cycle, particularly the non-physical nature of it. But recently I have been getting all sorts of rapturous delights learning about this new topic I came across during one of my rabbit hole jaunts. It is called BioGeometry and it is a lovely marriage of two of my passions in this life: esoteric wisdom and health.

Upon first glance, to the untrained mind, BioGeometry might seem like a pseduoscience or airy-fairy woo-woo, but this is far from true. BioGeometry is qualitative physics, and it occupies a pristine frontier for understanding health, and reality, in the modern age. 

If you are interested, I'll explain it in this nutshell: BioGeometry is the science of space energy balancing, with it we can learn how to take disruptive energies--rather than trying to block or avoid them--and transform them (in this way, I suppose it's very tantric in nature). Because we are enveloped in a sea of invisible disruptive energies called electro-magnetic frequencies, which wreak havoc on our health from every angle, you can maybe begin to see how powerful the implications are both on a personal and very large scale, yes?

Here are some resources for anyone who would like to run down this rabbit hole with me:

• BioGeometry and Life Force with Dr. Ibrahim Karim (video)
  
  
• A great interview with Dr. Karim's daughter, Doreya (video)
  
  
• A playlist of lectures for the devoted student
  
  
• And Dr. Karim's book which I'm just beginning:
  
  
  
  
  

.::*::.

It is already that time of the year again. Soon, we make the eastward migration to spend time with family for a few months. I am always pulled in two directions with this, but there's no use going into all that. It is what it is, and it is a good idea for me in this life to accept what is as much as possible, while quietly working behind the scenes to make adjustments and optimizations. But something tells me this will be the last time I leave my home in the winter, certainly for so long.

I wish anyone reading this a lovely autumn.
Blessings to you all.

In memory

It was a surprise to find myself walking amidst cicada and cricket choirs in the thick, hot, wet, Southern air in late August. 

Just a week earlier I had been sitting cross-legged in a gompa in the Okanogan Highlands, gleaning wisdom from a Buddhist monk during a regular Thursday evening class.

But the grandmother who the Buddhist group promised to recite prayers for did end up passing that very evening, her soul guided and protected by Orthodox Christian prayers and by Tibetan Buddhist prayers (there is benefit in having a Perennial-minded granddaughter!).

My Ma has moved on from this world, she being one-half of the pair who raised me a great deal in my early years. It was in an old white farmhouse in south central Kentucky, with a "haunted forest" in the distance, a dairy farm behind (where we worked), and an old oak shade tree beside the house that provided shade from the sun as we shucked corn for hours on end in those hot golden summer days that seem so very long ago.

It was up at 5AM each morning to walk hand in hand up the gravel path to the barn, where we'd spend the next several hours bottle feeding calves. Now I know the sadness that is a conventional dairy farm, but back then I didn't. 

Later, we'd make lunch and I'd ride a bicycle around in circles "delivering newspapers" which were just rocks. And Ma would exclaim just as excitedly with each new toss as she did with the first. 

Then, maybe we would go inside and make sugar cookies with "Funkytown" or "Seasons in the Sun" playing on my little baby blue Mickey Mouse record player.

I'd play in large piles of cottonseed and we'd work in the garden, no doubt inhaling all of the little particulates that lead to her lung scarring.

Ma always wanted to change up things, so once a month we'd end up repainting a room--usually the kitchen--and I remember how big I felt when she let me paint the garage on my own (I was only about 5 years old). Whether it just came naturally or if it was instilled by her during those formative years, I've never been able to sit idle.

In the late afternoons, Pa would get home from milking cows all day and ride me around the house on all fours, me the little toehead jockey. He'd tell me to watch my little knee when we stormed past the hot iron woodstove. Then, sometimes he'd let me drive his big old green Chevy Silverado truck around the farm, him manning the pedals while I steered-- I still attribute this to the main reason for my spotless driving record. 

In the evenings, we'd eat simple dinners like a bowl of buttermilk with cornbread, then me and Ma would wrestle on the living room floor while Pa, in his recliner, would slap his leg laughing at us. On cold nights, Ma and I would get into bed and, facing one another, giggle-shiver until we both warmed up.

As I grew up, I moved to many different places, but we never lost touch. This Thursday was the first time my planner didn't have "call ma" as one of the list items. A few years ago, it went from "call ma and pa" every week, to "call ma", and now to empty space.

Pa and I were just as close, but he passed three years ago. They both lived to be 87 years old, both just shy of 88 by one month, and when I think back on their life, it's amazing that stress didn't take them sooner.

Ma and Pa lost their two wonderful sons, Frankie and Jerry, when they were only 15 and 16 years old. Both boys were on their way to church in an old Corvair when they went off the road over a bridge. No one knows why it happened. So it broke Ma and Pa for a long, long time. They still had three daughters to care for, my mother being the youngest, but the years to come were very dark and difficult for them, my mother included who was only 7 years old when she lost her two superhero brothers. Her little kid portraits go from huge smiles and pure joy to depression and complacency and it breaks my heart to this day. The way that tragedy echoed down and imprinted on our family line can't be overstated. It is in my DNA even now in myriad ways, though I never knew my uncles.

But something else that is surely in my DNA is this: I was told at Ma's funeral last month by an older cousin a story I had never heard before. He said that his dad and another man were the first to arrive on the scene of Frankie and Jerry's wreck that Sunday morning and that they worked hard to try to pry the car off of them, which had been crinkled and smooshed into the size of "that piano right there" (recall we were standing in the funeral home as he told me this). The men had been using pry bars and were just about to go get a tractor when Ma arrived on the scene, ran down from her car, and using only her bare hands, managed to bend and lift the car as to release the boys from it. She then cradled Frankie's head in her hands, who had already died, and Jerry was taken to the hospital, where he died that night. Knowing Ma, I know this story is real. She was truly a force. My cousin told me that everyone around town talked about her doing that for months after it happened, but not once did Ma ever tell me this story, and she talked sometimes about Frankie and Jerry and that period of life.

And though I've cried for the loss of Ma and Pa both now, which feels like a lost era, and my heart breaks most for the loss of that generation- those authentic salt of the earth people, what I feel more than anything since Ma's passing is that large force, that big energy she had until her last days, I feel a strange void there now. My experience of death of loved ones so far is that it's a strangeness more than anything.

I felt Ma nearby hours before she passed. I felt her in the passenger seat beside me as I drove through the Okanogan Highlands that afternoon to Thursday night class. It was so real that I looked over once, and smiled "at her" and said out loud, "You finally get to see where I live!"

Then, after she passed, I felt her still close, and so I prayed many times a day for her soul to pass on, unattached to here, with peaceful and protected passage. Now, she seems very far away. And with her, so many memories-- the flickers of youth, sun-warmed, gritty, real, and so full of laughter and love.

In loving memory of Anna Katherine Honeycutt, Eugene Honeycutt, and Frankie and Jerry Honeycutt.

Me and ma, circa 1989